Written by Molly Anderson, Illustrated by Charlotte Mulroy
“I thought my parents might have a fun day planned for me, but it was just like every day: wake up at 8, eat breakfast while my mom records me for her Instagram story, and then pack merch orders. My parents pulled me out of school two years ago so I could be in more family content. Every day I do eight hours of ‘media training,’ mainly because mom and dad have been getting called out for truancy—that’s what my nanny told me. Actually, I don’t think I was supposed to say that.”
-Matcha, 8, GA, daughter of sensational social media influencers, Bookie and Brett
“A man at Mommy’s office told me she’s ‘cwonically online,’ whatevurh that means. I got to sit wifh Mommy at the big meeting and one of the adults asked me my name and how old I was. After I told them, Mommy pinched me weally hawd on my arm and cawwed me a twansphobic January sixth ageist apowogist bigot becauwse I didn’t tell them my pwonouns. But I don’t know what pwonouns are.”
-Hailey, 5, NY, daughter of Employee Relations Director at Bells Bargo
“My parents have a family YouTube channel about our lives as Mormons, so I thought I was going to sit in on some meetings about managing the channel or something. The last thing I remember before everything went black is walking to the car. When I woke up, I was tied to a chair in the Bishop’s office at our church. He said we needed to discuss my ‘wavering faith’ and asked me if I’d rather slaughter my youngest brother or kiss before marriage. I have six brothers and sisters, so I could definitely spare one, but I figured that was the wrong answer so I said I’d rather kiss outside of marriage and my mom started scream-crying.”
-Branleigh, 16, UT, of the highly-watched family youtube channel, “Nine in Our Nest”
The following account was made possible by a new AI software that records and translates infant brain activity.
“Been in a high chair for six hours next to dad while he clicks things on the computer. No work produced as of two p.m. 776 unviewed resumes in his inbox. All incoming applications were immediately moved to trash.”
-Hector, 1, NV. Son of hiring manager at Smith Group LLC.
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